HOW TO DEAL WITH LONELINESS AS AN EXPAT
EXPATS AND LONELINESS
Living abroad can be a very enriching experience of growth and broadened perspectives. However, expats, internationals, migrants can experience a profound feeling of loneliness, feeling stress and a void that is difficult to fill, causing restlessness, a high pressure to succeed etc.
It can lead to depressions and all kinds of physical issues. A list of tips and actions to be taken is not enough to overcome that deeply felt feeling of loneliness.
Manon Rouwette explains how TRANSCULTURAL SYSTEMIC COACHING can help expats to overcome their loneliness so that they feel really connected again.
LIVING ABROAD AND FEELING ALONE
‘I feel so lonely! And why am I so tired…?’ My client asked herself during our first session. ‘I work so hard to fit in! To adapt…’ she adds. ‘I really want this adventure abroad to become a success. It was our dream…!’ She continues. ‘But I am exhausted and I miss my family’… ‘Who am I and where do I belong? I just do not know anymore…’ Tears run down her face.
Unfulfilled dreams, cultureshock etc.
The dreams expats have do not always come true. The reality of living a abroad in a different culture is tougher than they thought. Being alone, finding a job, also for their spouse, facing a CULTURESHOCK, getting the family over, or getting and raising children in a different culture without the social background they had in their home country, all those aspects can make life more difficult than they thought beforehand. Some of the spouses quit their job they have worked for so hard, because they cannot manage the combination of work and taking care of the children without their family around. However, one salary often is not enough to pay the mortgage in The Netherlands. Moreover, a feeling of disbalance can grow when one spouse terminates his work for the other.
Going back to their ‘home country’ mostly is not an option either. Their families think that they have ‘made’ it abroad, they have followed their dreams, made the family proud, fulfilled their expectations… so going back is difficult. Sometimes, homeland has a certain power that keeps pulling them back. They want to see their family, living a life more easy and yet, they know it will never be the same as anymore it was when they left. It never is.
LIVING ABROAD CHANGES PEOPLE AND THEIR PERSPECTIVES. Moving to new places can even be addictive, because living abroad is more intense than living in your homeland, where everything is familiar and well known.
So, leaving your homeland, moving around the world, looks like an attractive adventure and it often is but it always comes with a price and that can be FEELING LONELY, FEELING ALONE, or a so called EXPAT BLUES DEPRESSION, etc.
I work with expats, internationals, migrant who have lost themselves, feeling HOMESICK, LONELINESS or a void that is difficult to fill and who really want to overcome this feeling.
It is possible to deal with this feeling. It is possible to feel deep, profound felt connection.
First some background information:
Four phases of getting used to living abroad
In general four phases can be distinguished in getting used to living abroad.
- The first phase is the so called Honeymoonphase:
everything is new and exciting. There is a feeling of adventure and unlimited possibilities. - Then slowly reality comes in, in the so called Cultureshock phase: symptoms of frustration, stress, fatigue, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION, HOMESICKNESS and one has difficulties in understanding local usages
- Acceptance phase: slowly you more and more understand the new culture and you will find new ways to cope with the differences and create your own routines.
- Competence / Adaption phase:
In this phase you feel comfortable, at home and you adapt.
Having said this, not every expat will be able to follow these phases smoothly and without any problems. Sometimes, the feeling of feeling alone remains in the way of coping with the differences and feeling comfortable. Feeling at home can be very difficult as well. Plus, living abroad can cause a lot of stress, fatigue and all kinds of physical problems that go along with it, preventing from really feeling at home. Some migrants never really ‘arrive’, never feel really at home in their ‘new’ country.
And what about the children? They mostly have not chosen for a life abroad and a forced migration, by man or by nature, is even heavier to overcome than a migration that was voluntarily decided for.
HOW CAN I -BEING AN EXPAT- DEAL WITH THOSE FEELINGS OF STRESS, LONELINESS AND FATIGUE?
As a TRANSCULTURAL SYSTEMIC EXPERT I am specialised in the impact that displacement has on a personal level.
Autonomy and connection
In basis we as human beings have two profound and sometimes conflicting needs:
- first the need of autonomy and
- secondly the need to feel connected. It is one of the essential aspects in life.
Sometimes it is difficult to fulfil both needs. Especially, LIVING ABROAD, on a different ground than the ground where you are born, where your family is, can stand in the way of FEELING CONNECTED of FEELING REALLY HAPPY AS AN EXPAT.
People who leave their homeland, the place where you were born and perhaps raised, automatically includes being UPROOTED.
Of course I can help you with a list of actions that you can take in order to CONNECT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Meeting new people, making new connections, it definitely helps.
However, there are some comments to make here: not everybody is that extrovert or at ease in a larger setting so that he or she makes new connections easily. Very intelligent people often have a certain modesty, shyness. Secondly, the culture differences can hinder taking steps as well and thirdly of course, how were you raised at home. Did your parents stimulate you to take the spotlight or to hold your voice and listen to other people? Those last questions regard as we call it your FAMILY SYSTEM and this FAMILY SYSTEM has a major impact on your life. Impact of cultural aspects of family systems and the physical place of origin.
All those aspects a TRANSCULTURAL SYSTEMIC COACH takes into account: TRANSCULTURAL SYSTEMIC COACHING takes into considering not only the change of culture but also the impact of the FAMILY system and the fact that you physically have left your HOME GROUND.
Because, despite perhaps the many contacts you have, the void that can be felt living abroad will probably not be filled by those connections. It definitely helps but more is needed.
IT TAKES A MORE PROFOUND WAY OF CONNECTING that a good TRANSCULTURAL COACH can help you with.
Get connected with both your family system, your own culture and the ‘new’ culture you live in now.
If you wish to experience this profound, deep connection, so that you can find your place, also abroad, so that you can come home, no matter where you live: take a look at my online program: LEAVE THE LONELYNESS BEHIND AND COME HOME WHEREVER YOU ARE.
Do you want more information about an individual one-to-one coaching, contact me through this button: